Shooting Yourself in the Foot
From: krd@hot.zer.sub.org (Patrick Rother)
Newsgroups: de.talk.jokes
Subject: Fuss-Schuss
Message-ID: <ZeR+DVWBow@HOT.zer.sub.org>
Date: Fri, 25 Dec 92 09:45:00 MET
The proliferation of modern programming
languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features
from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what
language you're currently using. This guide is offered as a
public service to help programmers who find themselves in such
dilemmas.
- C
- You shoot yourself in the foot.
- C++
- You accidentally create a dozen instances
of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing
emergency medical assistance is impossible since you
can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just
pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over
there."
- FORTRAN
- You shoot yourself in each toe,
iteratively, until you run out of toes, than you read in
the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you
continue anyway because you have no exception-handling
ability.
- Modula2
- After realizing that you can't actually
accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself
in the head.
- COBOL
- Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at
LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER. on HANDGUN.TRIGGER
and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK
whether shoelace needs to be retied.
- LISP
- You shoot yourself in the appendage which
holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the
appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot
yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun
with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which
holds ....
- BASIC
- Shoot yourself in the foot with a water
pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body
is waterlogged.
- FORTH
- Foot in yourself shoot.
- APL
- You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend
all day figuring out how to do it fewer characters.
- Pascal
- The compiler won't let you shoot yourself
in the foot.
- SNOBOL
- If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left
foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.
- Concurrent Euclid
- You shoot yourself in somebody else's
foot.
- HyperTalk
- Put the first bullet of the gun into foot
left of leg of you. Answer the result.
- Motif
- You spend days writing a UIL description
of your foot, the trajectory, the bullet, and the
intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun.
When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the
gun jams.
- Unix
% ls
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm *.o
rm:.o: No such file or directory
% ls
%
- Paradox
- Not only can you shoot yourself in the
foot, your users can too.
- Revelation
- You'll be able to shoot yourself in the
foot just as soon as you figure out what all these
bullets are for.
- Visual Basic
- You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but
you'll have so much fun doing it that you won't care.
- Prolog
- You tell your program you want to be shot
in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but
the syntax doesn't allow it to explain.
- 370 JCL
- You send your foot down to MIS with a
4000-page document explaining how you want it to be shot.
Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.
- Ada
- After correctly packaging your foot, you
attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger,
scream and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try,
however, you discover that your foot is of the wrong
type.
- Assembly
- You try to shoot yourself in the foot only
to discover you must first reinvent the gun, the bullet,
and your foot.
