What Real Programmers Don't...
- Real programmers don't write specs. Users
should consider themselves lucky to get any programs at
all and take what they get.
- Real programmers don't comment their code.
If it was hard to write, it should be hard to read.
- Real programmers don't write application
programs, they pro- gram right down on the bare metal.
Application programming is for feebs who can't do systems
programming.
- Real programmers don't eat quiche. Real
programmers don't even know how to spell quiche. They eat
Twinkies, Coke and palate-scorching Szechwan food.
- Real programmers don't draw flowcharts.
Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of
documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it
did for them.
- Real programmers don't read manuals.
Reliance on a reference is a hallmark of the novice and
the coward.
- Real programmers programs never work right
the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they
can be patched into working in only a few 30-hours
debugging sessions.
- Real programmers don't use Fortran.
Fortran is for wimpy engineers who wear white socks, pipe
stress freaks, and crystallography weenies. They get
excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor
simulation.
- Real programmers don't use COBOL. COBOL is
for wimpy application programmers.
- Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any
real programmers are around at 9 am, it's because they
were up all night.
- Real programmers don't write in BASIC.
Actually, no programmers write in BASIC, after the age of
12.
- Real programmers don't document.
Documentation is for simps who can't read the listings or
the object deck.
- Real programmers don't write in Pascal, or
Bliss, or Ada, or any of those pinko computer science
languages. Strong typing is for people with weak
memories.
- Real programmers know better than the
users what they need.
- Real programmers think structured
programming is a communist plot.
- Real programmers don't use schedules.
Schedules are for man- ager's toadies. Real programmers
like to keep their manager in suspense.
- Real programmers think better when playing
adventure.
- Real programmers don't use PL/I. PL/I is
for insecure momma's boys who can't choose between COBOL
and Fortran.
- Real programmers don't use APL, unless the
whole program can be written on one line.
- Real programmers don't use LISP. Only
effeminate programmers use more parentheses than actual
code.
- Real programmers disdain structured
programming. Structured programming is for compulsive,
prematurely toilet-trained neurotics who wear neckties
and carefully line up sharpened pencils on an otherwise
uncluttered desk.
- Real programmers don't like the team
programming concept. Unless, of course, they are the
Chief Programmer.
- Real programmers have no use for managers.
Managers are a necessary evil. Managers are for dealing
with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners and
other mental defectives.
- Real programmers scorn floating point
arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy
bedwetters who are unable to "think big."
- Real programmers don't drive clapped-out
Mavericks. They prefer BMWs, Lincolns or pick-up trucks
with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.
- Real programmers don't believe in
schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers
"firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive
to meet schedules. Real programmers ignore schedules.
- Real programmers like vending machine
popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real
programmers use the heat given off by the cpu. They can
tell what job is running just by listening to the rate of
popping.
- Real programmers know every nuance of
every instruction and use them all in every real program.
Puppy architects won't allow execute instructions to
address another execute as the target instruction. Real
programmers despise such petty restrictions.
- Real programmers don't bring brown bag
lunches to work. If the vending machine sells it, they
eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they
don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche.
- Real programmers know that the word is
disk, not disc. Disc is a definite commie plot put forth
by blubbering quiche eaters.
