What if toddlers required a support line like computers

A phone rings.......

Operator (O) : Good afternoon, Toddler Helpline. How may I help you?

Parent (P) : Hello, I am calling about my toddler unit - I have reason to believe that it is malfunctioning.

O : Could you please state the nature of the problem?

P : State the nature of the problem? You asked for it - my toddler is, as we speak, tied to the ceiling fan!

O : Okay sir, please calm down - you don't need to shout. Now, I'm going to need two pieces of information to assist you fully. Number one - do have the boy or the girl unit?

P : A boy unit - why?

O: Okay, I see - and number two - is your boy toddler unit just TIED to the ceiling fan, or is he actually fooling with the wiring? Oh yes, and one other minor detail - is the ceiling fan turned ON?

P: No, he is NOT re-wiring it, the ceiling fan is NOT turned on, and he is tied to the friggin' fan! Why does any of that matter - he is TIED TO A CEILING FAN, neither my wife nor I put him there, he is an ONLY UNIT, and the dog lacks the know-how. Obviously, the unit is malfunctioning!

O : Listen, sir - I am really sorry, but if you have a boy toddler unit, the fan is OFF, and the wiring is intact, then there is absolutely nothing wrong with your unit - it is functioning up to specs! Aren't these boy models clever?

P : Now YOU listen, lady - I spent a lot of money on this model, and you have been NO HELP AT ALL! I want to speak to someone in technical support!

O : I'm sorry, sir, but our entire technical support staff is on an assertiveness-training retreat in Death Valley with the Marquis de Sade.

P: Sheesh - If you can't help me, then I want to order an instruction manual!

O: Sorry, but I can't do that. If you were stupid enough to order a toddler unit, then the instruction manual would be FAR too difficult for you to comprehend!

P: Damn - then just tell me where the friggin' off switch is! You can do that, can't you?

O: Sorry, sir - no can do! Only product development knows where that is, and they're not telling!

P: Okay, smart-ass - I want a REFUND - PRONTO!!

O: I am truly sorry, sir, but all units are custom-made and totally NON-REFUNDABLE!

P: Dammit - can I at least exchange it for another model?

O: No, but you wouldn't want to anyway. The girl models are just as much trouble, are more expensive to maintain, and the whining - well, let's just say you got off easy with the boy model. You can order a NEW girl unit if you so desire, but I am afraid your boy model is a keeper!

P: Great, just GREAT - NOW what am I supposed to do?

O: Well, this is just a suggestion, mind you, but if I were YOU, I would get your toddler off the ceiling fan and then call the doctor and make an appointment - for YOU! You sound stressed - stress can kill!

P: Yeah, if the diabolical little troll beast doesn't do it to me first! Geez - thanks, Lady - for NOTHING!!

O: Glad I could be of assistance. By the way, due to recent budget cutbacks beyond my personal control, the Toddler Helpline is required to charge you $4.99 per minute for this call. Have a nice day, and thank you for calling the Toddler Helpline.

the scene closes with the parent dropping the phone and clutching his chest in pain, to the sound of a toddler going WHEEEEEEEEE! as the fan slowly turns around and around and around............